I know it might sounds strange but my abuser used photos to validate my existence. He used them to show my worth – not going into every detail because it’s triggering, but here are a few example.

His mother was livid and criticized me behind my back to her friends, neighbors and family that I put a photo of myself with a GF goofing around at a high end wedding dress boutique on FB. She’s not even on FB.

The last Christmas I spent with them she told me she had to remove our photo because his ex wife was sensitive to it.

After he assaulted me, the very next day, he added hundreds of photos of us on his Shutterfly shared album to share with his parents as a way to demonstrate to me how important I was. This after years of never including me in anything. He was trying to keep me from filing charges.

After I filed charges against him he changed his gmail profile picture to a photo of us in the Bahamas.

His ex wife demanded that he remove the photo from gmail so she wouldn’t have to look at me.

After I told him to leave me alone in August of 2017 he left all of my photos up on his FB account. This was incredibly confusing considering it took him years to openly post pictures of us because I was the other woman without knowing it and didn’t learn about having been one until the end of 2014.  And also because he created a chase – after I asked him I didn’t want to see him, he then refused to let me know whether he was going to continue to pay for my medical treatments.  Didn’t have the decency to let me know and as soon as I begun to ask he shut down – He’s a monster. Pure evil.

I predicted and told his new vagina/supplier that he was going to go out of his way to take tons of photos of them and publicly post it because…well, you all know how their mind work.  Sadly she’s eating it up and it won’t be long before she is exactly where I am because I acted just as she did when I met him.

I am just happy that when I look at our photos I feel nothing but disgust.  Being with him was a the worst experience in my life.. When I read his love books, professing his love and going on about what an honest person he is, I vomit in my mouth because as he was writing those very words he was actively lying to me about what he was doing. I dream and look forward to how soon all of his lies will be exposed. He is nothing to me other than cancer I am trying to rid my body of that continues to hang on.

I dedicate these meaningless photos to his mother, ex wife,  and him because they mean so much more to them than they do to me.  I hope they can soon find something else to do with their time beside visiting me here – Odd, that people who claim want nothing to do with me, continue to take actions that say otherwise.

On a different note…I use to tell him that someday he was going to drive me to sit on a park bench questioning my reality as Kate Blanchett did in Blue Jasmine after she realized her life was not her life and that it was all a lie. I understand the movie  much more, after time away from a relationship that wasn’t real and built on lies; and then having tried to reconcile the lies.

I was Kate Blanchett each time I took the photo of my bruised body to ask my therapists whether the bruise on my neck was really my neck or my shoulder because he insisted it was my shoulder.  I still ask to make sure. When I think about how manipulative he is, I get scared that he isn’t done with me yet. I want these words to be here in case he does anything to me or my children- Am I paranoid.  I don’t know.  I still don’t know what to make of his aggression because a normal person would want to close this chapter yet he has done everything in his power to keep me in his life in order to destroy me.

All that said, and perhaps I veered a bit, I am trying to be kinder to myself in accepting that I loved a man who was not real – I am trying to love myself enough and believe that trusting him doesn’t make me a bad person or an idiot since most of us don’t assume people are capable of inflicting such cruelty onto others on purpose.  My struggle is more complex because of the physical damages he caused as I have a constant reminder of his wrath that makes it harder to put the relationship behind me, which is why I am determined to make something positive happen to help others.  If he is going to be with me because I have to live with the disabilities he caused, then I rather try to make something positive come of it. That’s my hope.

Feels so good to look at these and feel nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

 

 

 

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